 |
| Maddy and Syrenity in Indiana |
I
return to my little house, after all the snow from my car was brushed away, to
be greeted by the heated sounds of a sibling quarrel. My snowy gloves clean the
last drops of evidence from my tear streaked cheeks. The depression that has
corrupted my soul is kept safely inside the vault of my mind. The children
shouldn’t have to deal with my downfalls, and I pretend to be happy for their
sake, and my own. Smiling when all you want to do is cry is a theatrical
mastery, and I have well mastered that act, as well as a few others.
I close the door a little louder so the bickering would,
with all hope, end with my presence. “Are you ready?” I ask. I just receive
blank stares followed by hurried explanations of why there was arguing in the
first place. Another sigh escapes me. Seemingly simple everyday moments overwhelm
me and I struggle to keep my patience and my temper. It is time for the
children to begin their long school day; it will soon be time for my dark and
robust friend to join me. A little bit of an addiction, but hot coffee on an
unforgiving cold Midwestern day is almost a necessity. Any comfort at this
point is welcomed and needed. In a flash I see colorful hats and gloves being
put on by little hands and I grab my jacket.
“We are ready mom, but do we have to go to school today?”
said my middle daughter. “Of course,” I
reply. We head back into the cold world.
The mustang groans as I pull it out of the driveway. I speed up a little and
fishtail just a bit, enough to get a frantic scream from my middle child, a
giggle from my preschooler, and a look of dismay from my eldest and only boy.
“Lighten up guys!” I say with that rehearsed smile. My heart aches as I watch
them, happy and unknowing of the pain I am fighting inside. Guilt rushes over
me for the lies I tell with my faked happiness, even though it is for the sake
of theirs.
 |
| Snow Angel |
Life has been
challenging for me for a long time. I viewed my dreams as childish things, and
now I regret that outlook. I am nearing thirty years of age; time is slipping
out of my hands like the soft granules of beach sand. It took time and wisdom
to realize that there is nothing foolish about chasing dreams. College and a
career take time, if I do not act soon, all the sand will be gone. Too many
people get trapped in the boxes that society has built and forget that their heart
holds the key to happiness. We hurry through life and follow the paths we
should according to others and dismiss the path that calls us. I believe that
every person has a gift or talent and the ability to make the world a better
place using what they are naturally gifted at.
The southwest has been a dream of mine for many years. I
have a long love of the desert all due to the many childhood summers which I
spent exploring them in Mexico. The sun on my skin, the mountains covered in
browns and reds with prickly pears in plentiful amounts. Sitting watching the
sky and all of the golden colors that helped tuck the sleepy sun away in the
evening, making way for a million twinkling diamonds and a bright Cheshire
smile to send me to bed. The desert is a captivating place, which my heart
calls home.
I have spent many years now wishing to move to Arizona. I
have never been there physically, and yet I feel my spirit drawn to that part
of the country. I decide it is time to start following my own heart, let go of
the insanity that has destroyed me, and listen to the calling that has been too
long ignored.
I return home after taking the children to school and
immediately start to make a cup of hot coffee. A sense of purpose has filled
me; it is time to act now. The moment has come where I decided that I can no
longer live the way that has brought me to this point of utter despair. It is a
tragedy to see my life, my character, and my talents slip away. I walk over to
my computer after adding cream and sugar to my steamy mug. The aroma of the
freshly brewed drink fills the house. I walk over to my computer and sit down
in the large black chair. I take a deep breath as the computer boots up,
nervousness replaces the sorrow, it’s time to find happiness.
I have always dreamed of going to college, as long as I can
remember I have had a desire to earn my degree and have a career I am
passionate about. As a child I vowed to work as a marine biologist and help
keep the animals of this planet safe from the destruction that is caused by
humans. As I grew that dream became bolder and more defined. Conservation
biology fascinates me. How can I make this dream a reality? I am a single
mother with three kids that have disabilities. I have worked very hard over the
past six years to help turn their disabilities into strengths, and they are all
doing so well. Is it possible that now is a good time to follow my heart and go
to college? Show them, and myself, that it is never too late to accomplish a
goal?
I know that Northern
Arizona University has a forestry program. I start my search there, then move
to a general search of college in Arizona. I scroll and come across Prescott
College. I have a very close friend, and the mother of my partner that owns a
house in Chino Valley. I look up the distance between Chino Valley and Prescott
Arizona and find that it is only 18 miles. My heart skips a beat, they will be
moving there as soon as their house is sold. This means that I could still live
close to friends and have some sort of support system in place to help me with
my children. Some things are not mere coincidences—some things are simply meant
to be.
 |
| Syrenity loves the snow! |
I click on the link that takes me to the Prescott College
web site and begin to explore this amazing school. I quickly find that this
school is perfect for me. It has strong programs in the field of environmental
science; it is also an experiential school that is very self-directed. The
programs and opportunities take my breath away. There are many filed courses,
some are even international. The school starts all students with a three week
backcountry wilderness expedition, I am amazed. I hit the apply now link, my
heart skips a beat, I must try if nothing else, just see if I would even get
accepted into the program. I will have the time between now and when I receive
my letter from the school either accepting or denying my application to talk
with my children, family and friends about this important change. I would have to move fifteen-hundred miles away from home,
with three kids, and start a new life on my own. The anxiety of this rushes
over me, then it is accompanied with excitement. It is thrilling to have even
the thought of this grand opportunity. I have lived in Chicago my whole life.
It is a vast city that swallows you, if you let it. I moved to Northern Indiana
for a change, and to take my children out of that busy city. Two hours was far,
yet not far enough to remove me from the turmoil of my past and the stagnant
pool that has become my present. Still, if you have lived in a place your whole
life, it is home. It is the place I know best and I have my parents there, as
well as all of my closest and most supportive friends.
The time for a decision has come, one sunny afternoon, about
a month after my application was submitted to Prescott College, I receive an
excited call. My entrance counselor Carmen happily informs me that I have been
accepted and not only have I been accepted but I also received an
eight-thousand dollar scholarship for each year to help pay my tuition! I feel
my eyes fill with tears, the wet drops roll down my face. I wipe them
speechless and overwhelmed. Tears of joy! I haven’t cried from happiness in so
long, too long. I am waiting impatiently
here to give my children the amazing news; they have been just as excited as I
am about the next step in our journey. I was worried for a long time about how
this would affect them. I worried foolishly because they urged me to follow my
dreams. I can’t wait to tell them!
No comments:
Post a Comment